Campus Life

Talk Nerdy To Me

The Fuck Buddy That Wasn’t

I never got the sex talk — my parents handed me a pamphlet, figuring that I’d learn what they considered my usual way; from literature and experts. Well, they were right, I did learn my usual way — the “hard” way. So, here’s some tips how to handle some common issues.

Problem: You get walked in on.

Solution: Invite the person to join — usually, that’s a great way to make the person run out of the room. Actually, this is the reason that I stopped going to one of the dorms (not saying which, but it’s easy to guess). Three’s company though, so if they agree, it could be fun. I don’t have any expertise in threesomes, sorry.

If you’re not that audacious, throw the covers over yourself, and the person should get the hint. If you don’t like that idea, put on a show. Exhibitionism can be fun. Also, if you walk in on someone, don’t gawk. Give the couple — err, sometimes couples — their privacy!

Problem: You wake up in bed with someone, and you have no recollection of the night before — including his/her name.

Solution: Go with Michael or Elizabeth! According to admissions statistics, those have been the most popular names for the last 2 years (3 for Elizabeth) in a row! (Ever wonder why they published that?) Actually, darling or sweetie is a better substitute. Do not use the word baby or honey — that reminds most of us of our parents or grandparents. You could always avoid using a name — I mean how much talking did you really do last night? Try to find an ID — most people keep their student ID close to them at all time. Along with seeing their cheesy senior picture, you’ll know their name, which allows you to do all the Facebook stalking you want.

Problem: He can’t get it up.

Solution: This is the number one reason why sex and alcohol do not mix well. Sometimes, guys start crying when this happens. (Once again, not that I know from past experience …) From talking to others on this, I realize there are typically three ways girls handle this: They 1. Do it themselves 2. Point and laugh 3. Give into a sexless night and then tell all their friends about it later. I suggest either the first or second option. Ok. So, I’m not a total bitch, and I’m too self-conscious to actually laugh. So, it’s safer to go with the first, for some reason beyond me, guys tend to get hard by watching a girl pleasure herself. If not, at least you got off.

Problem: She goes dry.

Solution: Lube! Do not just keep thrusting, didn’t you learn about friction in physics class? Well, friction is bad here! Ok, some people don’t keep lube with them at all times — actually, the only time I think of lube is when some mentions anal (Astroglide, anyone?). Safe lubes to use are water based, so they dry up quickly. Thus, you’re usually reapplying it in the middle of sex. Honestly, it’d be better to stop the sex and have more foreplay, since drying up usually means there wasn’t enough time spent on arousing her. So, perform oral on her. For the amount of reply I got on my piece about oral (and the lack of cunnilingus), I guess my simple guidelines weren’t enough. I suppose people wanted a rule of thumb for tongue. Well, that’ll come next week.

Problem: You left your iTunes on shuffle and Zelda music came on.

Solution: Do not stop kissing, and ask the girl, “how far do you want to go?” First of all, I thought guys stopped asking that question in high school. I mean, I thought guys asked, “are you sure?” in college, cause they’re running under the assumption that they’re going to get laid. “Err, we can go to base 3.14,” is probably how you should respond if you’re faced with this question. (Maybe, that means 69-ing … I mean you’re kind of in a circle.) Also, did he totally miss the fact that the music came on?! The smoothest way to handle it is to shut off your music. Joke about it. She probably found it comical, hey, she might even mention it in a column!

Whatever you do though, do not to throw the girl off your futon after she changes her mind about it. Trust me on this one; she doesn’t want an unnecessary bruise to remind her of the fuck buddy that wasn’t. Lesson to be learned here: don’t leave iTunes on shuffle — unless you have a playlist made.

Problem: The guy is into [insert fetish here.]

Solution: College is where you’re supposed to explore. You might just find you like whatever kink it is he has. Although, if you’re really uncomfortable, don’t give in to the pressure. However, you should be open minded. Maybe, I give off a kinky vibe. Little “adorable” Asian girl? (I suppose you never do know with the “quiet” types.) I haven’t met a guy who didn’t propose some light BDSM, so handcuffs don’t seem like such a big deal. People need to stop acting like they’re so taboo. Have a good safe word — do not choose anything impossible to pronounce (under three syllables is always good and in English) or something you might say anyway (*coughs* the guy’s name.)

Problem: The shirt comes off and you notice a foul smell.

Solution: Occupational hazard of being an MIT student — specifically in certain majors. I suggest taking a shower together, because if the sex is good, you’re going to be taking deep breaths. When I say taking a shower, I literally mean taking a shower. It’s good foreplay. Do not have sex in the dorm showers. First of all, sex with water is something that’s much more difficult than it looks. You’d think water would add lube — well, it doesn’t. Water and water-based lubes are two different things. Also, most of the showers here are too small, and I don’t think you’re going to want your body rubbing up against fungus — you were probably better off plugging your nose during sex in the first place.

Problem: You haven’t had sex in months or you’ve never had sex.

Solution: Join the club. This might come as a shock, but I haven’t had sex in months. (No, I’m not advertising this for Facebook messages proposing one night stands.) Not having sex isn’t the end of the world — it’s usually less complicated. I mean, sex can get messy, literally. Also, I’m convinced that shopping can be better than sex — I mean, I remember most of my shopping experiences better than my sexual encounters and the physical reminder isn’t a bruise! Before I get messages telling me that, “you haven’t had good sex,” I’ll just say that you haven’t had good shopping! I am human, though, so to deal with my libido, I realized that like most things, I was better off doing it myself.

Most importantly, I have to put in the word for responsible sex. Yes, I understand its college, how responsible can sex be? Well, there are certain situations that should be avoided: rape, pregnancy, and STDs. No means no, stop means stop, unless this has been discussed beforehand as some sort of kinky roleplay (importance of a safeword, once again). Communication is essential — don’t ever just assume the other person wants it, even if you’ve slept together before. There are many methods of birth control out there: IUD’s, pills, shots. MIT Medical has all of these available, including the morning after pill, should an accident arise. Also, for extra precaution, keep a condom with you at all times. Personally, I keep a Marc Jacobs one. It’s proof you can be stylish when it comes to sex, or that I’m a shopaholic. Remember, sex has responsibilities, ranging from infection to insemination, and these problems don’t have easy solutions.