Spring sports arrive at MIT

National sportscasters grateful to abandon football talk

With the spring sports season underway at MIT, sportscasters nationwide have issued a collective sigh of relief that they will no longer be required to make references to incredible performances by teams dubbed “Engineers.” MIT Football’s historic season this past fall pushed news outlets to their limit, as reporters were forced to address the confusing departure from the social order of athletes and mathletes. The football team’s undefeated regular season and first post-season victory in program history confused even local papers, which traditionally have been more nuanced at handling collegiate sports achievements in the intellectual hotbed of Boston.

“But this semester, the forces of mass and energy are being applied outside the classroom …” read one particularly astute article from CBS News, simultaneously confirming a complete lack of understanding of both physics and football. Other news outlets defended the team’s legitimacy, such as when FoxSports pointed out that this was a team that played like any other out there, “with no fear that the Engineers might re-snap their taped-together glasses, unbuckle their suspenders or drop their calculators in the process.”

“It seemed both relevant and appropriate,” said some editor somewhere, “to make light of the fact that these nerds understand their bodies, too. What’s that word … proprio-something?”

Already, sports reporters have expressed relief that MIT is returning to being “a great school … that also has some sports?” Indeed, Tech teams and athletes will return to their normal performances, like that of current junior and two-time NCAA Track and Field national champion Cimran Virdi or 2015 triple-All-American Maryann Gong. None of the recipients of the other 701 All-American honors in the past 13 years were available for comment. The 13 national champions in 20 events since 2000 were also busy, supporting alum Wyatt Ubellacker in his attempt to become the 32nd MIT graduate Olympian.

For more on the Institute’s lackluster athletics, you can contact the men’s track or cross-country teams, which have combined to win 37 of the last 39 league championships.

MIT athletes, may the forces of mass and energy be with you this spring season.

Michael Beautyman is a 2017 candidate for a naval engineer’s degree and a master of science in mechanical engineering.

anon over 8 years ago

I would like to thank you for this amazingly witty and beautiful piece

Bob g over 8 years ago

I will now wear my MIT Polo shirt with even more pride. Nothing better than a satirical education.